The Kinds of People Who Might Come to Say Goodbye
Those who are ready.
They live life with deep intention, question their growth, focus on meaning & authenticity, find ways to express love, gratitude and manage conflict. They know the important from the urgent, the real from the temporary & accept acceptance- the good, the notorious, the painful, the defeating, the glorious, the surprising within themselves & the world at large.
This doesn't mean that they have not struggled with hard times or failures. They focus on understanding what lies beyond that. They know they can't have it all & be it all.
Their generosity lies in the graceful hellos & goodbyes/see you soons. In the 'I love yous' to 'I'm sorry' to 'I was wrong'- some of the hardest words to express.
Those who aren't ready.
While they may or may not have optimized their time, there is an unfairness that is felt deeply during this process. No amount of time or explanations justify what is happening.
It comes from deep love & possibly, vast amounts of fear & helplessness. There is a resistance in their goodbyes, in the hope that their disbelief may be a final cure. They are hurting for the love they are going to lose, & holding onto their fear, may or may not allow them to be fully present to the precious remaining moments.
Those who arrive with regrets.
They visit with explanations & woes. Of not making time for a holiday because of busyness. Of not saying I love you enough because it was implied. Of not putting a misunderstanding to rest because there was an arrogance about time. They offer shock & despair for the pile up of regrets, possibly admitting that they really tried to change their ways.
Their "if onlys" are accompanied with Reue, a German word that refers to deep regret or remorse, often for something in the past that cannot be undone. It carries a weight of emotional reflection & acknowledgment of wrongdoing or missed opportunities, especially when it's too late to change the outcome. Even in that moment, death teaches us that the now is all we have. It barricades & preserves the present, creating the possibility of reframing conversations- from Reue to reminiscences.
Those who show up silently.
The ones who don't take up the room & are noticed by a few. They massage your feet, add an entrance layer when they notice goosebumps on your skin, move the hair off your face, & wipe the snot from your nose.
They give room to others while focusing on what you need. They bring the candle that you loved in a store from 2 years ago, they draw the blind to perfection so that even a tiny slit doesn't disturb your eye, & they allow all their love to be felt between the spaces. This isn't the time for stories, remembrance, & wisdom. You have their full attention in this present moment.
Those who are obligated.
Obligated due to old family ties or friendships that probably died many years ago but this final act is expected. Perhaps they did us a favor, or we worked with them, or made mutual promises to be there when the time came without realizing that the equation may change completely. There might not have been an update & stock taking on where life has taken the two people.
Those who may struggle to show grief & need to do it out of expectations. Their goodbye is more about duty than connection, an act of societal ritual. Yet, even in obligation, there’s a kind of care & consideration- to pay respects & say a final goodbye.
Who are these people in your life? Are you one of these people in your own life and time here?
While this is not exhaustive, it focuses on where some of us may be. We understand and support those who need medical attention. Kindly take care of yourself and speak to your healthcare team should you need any additional assistance.