Spaces of Grief: Chapter 2 (Conversations from 2016-2017)
S: She was everyone’s favourite person. And I don’t just say that because she was my nani, but really.. It was hard to know her and not love her.
She had an annual circuit of Chennai-Bombay-Delhi-Chennai-Bombay-Delhi to catch all her 6 grandkids birthdays, because she knew they’d be incomplete without her famous chocolate cake.
She only ever wore sleeveless blouses. I sometimes wonder if that’s why all my Indian clothes are sleeveless too.
She didn’t even know how to wear a saree. Nana taught her. They were adorable, right till the end. They wouldn’t call each other by name, just “dear”. Till last year, every card or envelope or note I got from her was still signed “Love, Nana and Nani”. They were something else, but that’s a story for another time…
What are some of the emotions you remember from the time you experienced the loss? What did you feel?
K: Breaking in slow motion & witnessing it
Like someone said something unbelievable
A clash of many emotions
Like you can hear the words but you can’t understand them
You have questions but don’t know how to frame them
Being in and out of a spell
A ringing sound
Alone
Different
Inability to function
S: The first time I felt loss, I was confused, angry, separated? I felt really alone, because no one told me what happened. I guess they thought I was too young to understand, which I understand now. But back then, I couldn’t. I think grief does a strange thing to you, where you can isolate yourself more than necessary. Maybe it’s a protective mechanism to avoid anyone saying anything that’ll affect the sanctity of your memory of the person… Maybe it’s because you think no one is feeling this like you are. Maybe it’s just because you have no words to express it.
K: Oftentimes, people feel like they need to experience a tangible death to feel grief and loss. So many times, we anticipate the loss of the most important people in our life and feel profound sadness. It can feel permanent, stop your breath and feel very real.
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