Spaces of Grief: Chapter 3 (Conversations from 2016-2017)
K: When I was 4. My father always used to make up a bedtime story for me each night. This particular night, both my parents and brother cuddled around with me and told me about a baby girl who came into the family's life. It was first mentioned in third person after which they related it back to me and us as a family. Many tears and hugs were exchanged. While there was deep warmth, I began to understand that I had biological parents who I didn’t know and possibly wouldn’t in my lifetime.
S: I can picture this in my head. That’s beautiful, K.
With Nana. I don’t remember losing anything of significance before then, and for a long time no other loss, nothing felt significant in comparison for a long time after. Kind of like this loss became a benchmark for all kinds of loss?
So every time I had a setback or a loss, it was easier to overcome because deep down I knew I’d gotten through the worst one already? It’s weird to think of early loss so functionally, but maybe it prepares you.
How do you define loss?
K: Messy. Devastating. New every time. Normal. Human.
S: Accumulated. Connected. Yet, different every time.
What’s the thing that surprised you the most about loss?
K: The array of emotions. How bittersweet it is. How there are moments to laugh when we remember those we miss and grieve.
S: That it’s okay to laugh. It’s okay to feel a sense of normalcy in the middle of your grief. It’s okay to wear colours, it’s okay to eat, it’s okay to sleep. It’s okay to forget the hardest parts, it’s okay to let yourself forget what they looked like at the end, and hold onto what a regular day with them looked like instead.
Is there a right way to deal with loss?
K: As long as one’s not harming themselves or others, there is really no right way. There are moments that feel indescribably dreadful, and then there are some days where one can function, and sometimes, one feels like the love they miss gives them the strength to thrive.
S: There is no right time to “move on”, you just eventually learn to live with it. The loss is hard enough, we don’t have to put ourselves through more to mourn socially and adequately. It’s yours to do with it what you will. You can share it, but you don’t have to. You don’t owe anyone any part of your grief. You will never fully get over it, and why should you?
Accepting that it’ll happen to everyone you love and will love, weird as it sounds really helps.
What helped during this time?
K: as a kid…
Kind conversations. The ones that I could open up again and again.
Parents saying that they didn’t know the answers when I asked about my biological parents
Parents/ adults showing emotions
K: as an adult…
Presence of people rather than giving advice or trying to ‘fix’ me
Normalizing conversations about loss and less judgement around the subject
Acknowledging the difficult and light moments of loss
Not bringing the ‘it could be worse’ scenarios to the table
The allowance to be oneself rather than being the person who is coping well or crying too much
Sharing without competition
Balancing the processing of grief privately and with others
In my relationship with them - it’s helpful to know in my bones that in the end, they knew they were fiercely and deeply loved.
S: In terms of those around me…
As a child, adults that didn’t judge or force me to feel or behave a certain way.
As an adult, actually the same.
As a kid and even now, I think what helps the most is people trusting your process even when it’s hard to watch, or a bit weird? Laughing at a funeral, crying mid-sentence on a really happy day, remembering them for “no reason” one morning, dreaming of them often, sensing them around, fearing you’ll forget the small details.. It’s all part of it. And to have people who just let you be, without making the loss about themselves, what they can/should do for you, what you should do for yourself. All the “shoulds” going away, that’s what helps the most. Just Allowance.
Sharing stories and memories really helps too. Ones you were part of, ones you were part of that you may not even have known, and then all their memories that you are still to hear about.. It keeps them safe and alive in your heart.
What didn’t help?
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